The Thing Beneath the Thing
Updated: Oct 4
October brings us into the darker half of the year. The days get shorter. The world begins pulling inward. And traditionally, this part of the seasonal cycle has invited us to do the same... to look beneath what is immediately visible and spend some time with the things we don't always notice when life is moving quickly.
Pay attention to reactions that feel bigger than the moment: the short fuse, the comment that makes you disproportionately angry, the interaction you replay for hours afterward, the thing that shouldn't have hurt your feelings - but somehow did.
When something "small" suddenly makes you want to scream, cry, shut down, defend yourself, or start a fight, there may be something going on beneath the surface.
I experienced this recently. Something happened that, objectively, wasn't particularly consequential. I knew where I stood. I wasn't confused about what had happened or what I needed to do next.
And still, I cried.
That caught my attention, because if the situation itself wasn't really the problem, then I had to ask myself...
Why did this hurt?
When I sat with it, the answer was much more personal. It had touched something around trust -around believing that a relationship meant one thing and suddenly wondering whether the other person experienced it the same way.
The surface-level situation wasn't what made me sad. It simply found a tender place.
I think we're all carrying a few of those ouchy spaces: places where an old betrayal still hurts, where rejection hits harder than we'd like to admit, places where we don't feel heard, respected, safe, valued, chosen, capable, lovable, or understood.
Most of the time, we can move through life without looking too closely at them. Until something touches one.
Then suddenly we're furious over a text message.
We're anxious about a conversation that hasn't happened. We're making assumptions about somebody's intentions. We're snapping at people we love. We're turning something "small" into something enormous.
Or we're on the receiving end of someone else's reaction wondering, What in the world just happened?
That's where this season offers us an invitation: Look underneath the reaction.
Not so that we can excuse poor behavior, turn every unkind interaction into an elaborate healing journey, or take responsibility for emotions that belong to someone else. But because our reactions contain information.
When something hits harder than the situation seems to warrant, get curious:
What did that touch in me? What story did I immediately tell myself about what happened? What am I afraid this means? Have I felt this feeling before? Is my response entirely about what's happening now or something older?
And we can offer the people around us the same curiosity without taking on their work for them. Sometimes another person's anger, defensiveness, anxiety, or need for control may have very little to do with us.
We can recognize that without diagnosing them. We can have compassion without agreeing with them. We can hold a boundary without joining the fight. And we can ask ourselves whether the situation actually requires our participation at all.
That's part of sovereignty too - knowing what belongs to you and knowing what doesn't. Having the courage to look at your own wounds when they're illuminated and enough self-trust not to pick up somebody else's simply because they put them at your feet.
So as we move deeper into October and toward the darker months, notice what rises. Notice what makes you unusually angry, unexpectedly sad, or sends your thoughts racing. Notice what feels much bigger than whatever just happened.
Don't immediately judge yourself for it. Don't immediately act on it either.
Get curious ✨.
There may be something beneath the thing.
Dig Deeper: A Gentle Practice
If something came to mind while reading this, you don't have to rush to figure it out. Make the space feel safe first.
Brew a cup of tea.
Wrap yourself in something warm.
Sit somewhere comfortable and quiet.
If crystals are part of your practice, choose one that feels supportive and hold it against your heart.
You might light a candle, place a hand over your chest, or simply close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then ask your body:
What hurt?
What did this bring up for me?
Where have I felt this before?
What did I need in that moment?
What would feel supportive now?
Try not to interrogate yourself. You don't need to solve everything. Simply recognize what was touched, offer yourself compassion, and let yourself feel safe enough to be honest about it.
And if the answer isn't clear yet, that's okay too.
You can come back when you're ready.
❤️ May this season bring you the courage to look beneath the surface, the gentleness to meet what you find there, and the wisdom to know what is yours to tend - and what you can finally put down.
If you want to keep exploring
The Knowing is a self-paced course for strengthening your relationship with your inner knowing, self-trust, and decision-making. If this reflection stirred something up in you, it may be a good place to go next.
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